Getting Reality Based

Who among us can say they are always centered, always balanced, always sure of where they are, how other feel about them compared to how they feel about themselves, what they truly look like in the mirror as well as to others.

Not many I assume.

I know I'm not.

There are the days when I'm just sure I'm the bee's knees, the loosest goose, the best of the rest, AND the cherry in your cola (and you will love it, damn it). And then there are days when I feel perhaps like I should wall myself off, Anchoress style, and just disappear for my sins, ashamed of my ability to fool myself into thinking things are within my grasp.

Rarely are the days in the sweet spot. I'm trying my damndest lately to be really and truly realistic about what is possible. Not what I want (for I am pretty clear that that is out of the question), but what is possible.

Maybe it was all the meta of the past few days. Maybe it's the illness sneaking up on my throat and nasal passages. Maybe it's just me ruminating again, like a damn cow, but I'm all off balance.

Comments

  1. I am so there. There are times when I catch myself whistling the happy theme from "Peter and the Wolf," which is like my personal musical cue for "Damn, I'm good, and life is sweet." Then there are other times when I'm pretty sure I've screwed up everything I've touched, blown every opportunity I've been given, and that after 43 years, it really should be clear that it's just not worth it.

    The meds help some. If and when I get insurance again, therapy will help even more. But the biggest thing I learned to do in my last round of therapy was to be in the middle of the down cycle and really know that it was not an accurate reflection of reality. I can't do that all the time (and not often at all, lately), but when I can it's kinda transformative--being able to sit back and say, "Yes, I feel like shit. Yes, everything appears to be pointing to the conclusion that my life is a total failure. And I can't just will myself to stop feeling that way, but what I can do is hold on to the knowledge that this is not an accurate reflection of reality. This is a symptom of a disease, and it will pass just like a stuffed-up nose or a sore throat."

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  2. Like a symptom of a disease. Yes, but it hurts so much when it happens. And you can't take Advil.

    XO Hugs

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