Inventory

My birthday was yesterday. I am now 41.

Health:

I'm probably in the best health and physical capacity of my life, save a few years in college when I was also at my fittest, but much of the impetus to be in that good of shape in college was driven by neurotic disordered body image/eating habits. Now, the goal has been to do a triathlon (healthy). While I am not as thin and ballet petite as I'd like to be, I am in excellent physical health with hearty stamina and quick reflexes and grace. My body looks as it will look (and to heck with you if you don't like it...look away), but it works and could kick ass if and when it needed to.

I'm also focusing on monitoring my mental health (connected to things like dementia), since my mother has suffered so. I figure if I'm doomed, I might have 25 good mental years left, so I want to make the most of them. And if I'm not, then I'll be have additional ass kicking to do after that.

Relationships:

These are mostly pretty damn good. I am blessed with a wide variety of relationships from casual, but long-term FB/Twitter friends, to workaday peers, to deep friendships to creative collaborators to occasional confusions. My 'ships run the full gamut.

Here's the trick, though. I am a passionate person. If I love you? I'm gonna LOVE YOU. Some of that is good and awesome so long as the person in question wants to be loved by me, but I often can find myself investing more into certain relationships than I get back. There's old history for that too, but for the most part, at 40, I'm pretty aware of who really loves me and cares for me and who is just hanging out just for the fun times. I'm much more aware of who I should be loving and caring for, rather than trying to impress. And tell me if I'm loving at you too much. I don't want to annoy you.

I'm close to a few key people whom I will go to the mat for, and happily give general affection to others, but I'm aware that even affection can only go so far without being reciprocated. It's an achievement for me, really, to know this about myself, to not have unrealistic expectations.

Artistic Life:

Very rich right now as I posted earlier. Very full. Dance, theater, videos, a great deal of amazing talent around me, people who love to play. I write a lot. I feel things deeply. I'm quite pleased with that. I love the flowspace that occurs in a rehearsal or show, I love making shit up like kids, I love playing. I love writing and moving my body. I love watching my peers create, seeing those incredible sparks of artistic life just pop up on stage. It's a total addiction at this point.


Political Life:


I'm happy here too. I'm involved, if not politically, than as an advocate in a number of arenas. I feel intensely about the work I'm doing. I love feeling aligned deeply with a mission and vision of how sexuality and relationships could be, healthy open, comprehensive education, pushing back against repression. Rights for love, pleasure and relationships.


Work Life:


On the cusp of some very good things. Finally aware of where I need to be. That feels damn good.

Primary Family Life:

I love my husband and don't want to imagine my life without him. My kids are joys. The eldest is having a bit of hard time with some learning disorders, but we are working on it. Husband and I are consistently connected on balancing the creative with the domestic, the creatively domestic, the romantic and the Romantic. He is generous, kind, supportive, sexy and a fantastic partner to me. I love my family very much. I can't say much more than that really.

Extended Family Life:

I'd say I'm pretty much totally estranged from my mother's side of the family. They've hurt me a great deal over the years and had no real idea of it or, when I'd confront them, turn it back on me being weak or something. They've not helped at all during my mother's illness, nor did they ever fit me, or me them. So fuck it. Why bother trying to impress people or get recognized or loved the way I want to be, when all I'm gonna get is the same old mean? Stop trying to get them to love you, Jules. They don't. At least, not in the ways you recognize or that are functional.

Luckily, life with my husband's family is quite nice. They are loving generous kind practical gentle non-drama folks and we are coming into a new phase of our relationship. I'm happy about it.

Finances:

Ugh. I hate money. That's part of the problem. This is one of the weakest areas in my life and I know I need to deal with it. I need to find a way to fall in love with money or the management of it, or the making more of it.

Emotional Health:

I still have cyclical depressions (have since puberty and is probably hormonally connected) and probably always will. I try not to talk about them too much, because man, how boring is it to hear about someone being in a reallllllly bad mood, though it is also quite hard to just hold it in and feel like crap. They come usually every 4-6 weeks and hurt like hell. Depression lies to you and makes you think you are worthless and should quit things. It's quite a terrible feeling to just slog through. I have had to, over the 25 years or so I've dealt with this, come up with pretty amazing strategies to not quit things or screw things up or alienate too many people (I hope). I'm more balanced now I think.

So I'd say, all in all, I'm doing pretty well, have goals over the next 10 years (as I have mentioned), am aware of the areas I need to work and am appreciative of the areas in which I don't. It's always a process, life. And since I'm fundamentally at the midpoint, supposing I live to be 80 or so, I want to make the most of the next 40.

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