Richness

I'm aware, lately, of a sense of awareness. I am aware of awareness, doesn't that sound weird? I'm aware that I am in a very rich creative period of my life. I'm in it. And I"m aware of it.

This is a weird sensation. Not only am I clear that I am in this place, but I believe I am also quite conscious of my actual role and skill and ability within it. Not too arrogant. Not overly and wrongly insecure. Aware. Connected. In the flow with the flow and of the flow.

This is rare and precious. Maybe it's because I'm finishing out my 40th year, or its some kind of weird psychic maturity, I don't know. I just know that I am aware of the good, of my role in the good, and my strength in the good and the sweet match of creativity, production, and friendship. It feels nearly too good to admit, like a butterfly on your hand, delighting you so much you dare not move lest it fly right off.

There have been some wonderful periods of creative richness in my life, but I don't think I really understood the depth of them, didn't see them for what rare jewels they were at the time. Didn't fulfill my potential in them. Gave too much power away.

And I've had time when the creative parts and the relational parts didn't match up. Where I was creating good things around people I didn't care so much about or supporting people I loved without much creative expression in my own life. But there is a lovely matching up ness about it all right now.

I'm just gonna keep with the flow, knowing that all things change, end and begin again in new forms, but that gifts are gifts wherever they may come from and whenever they arrive.

Not to be too damn earnest about it? Fuck that I'll be earnest. I'm grateful, thankful, happy with the richness and happy I'm aware enough to hold it gently in my heart.

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