When The Muse Taps On Your Head, Get Up And Write

Or else you'll end up with a post like this one.

About five am I was lying on the couch, insommniaclishing, and I wrote a blog post in my head. It had a groovy title and everything. But my mind ate it, which is why if one is awake and thinking, one should get the fuck up and write instead of tossing and turning. Another bloggatory miscarriage to add to the many before it.

I really can't remember what the fuck it was about. It might have been about the latest Facebook "Like" meme, wherein you'd click like on someone's post and they'd tell you what they liked about you. This was a cool game. Not only did you get to write amazing things about people on their wall (which was fun and felt really good to do because honestly, there are so many things to like about all my friends) but it was also kind of like an emotional Christmas morning unwrapping compliment after compliment (and good solid honest ones) about myself.

Things I found interesting about the experience:

1) where my perception of myself matched up with others perception about me-I was glad to see that I was getting feedback that usually made sense to me.

2) where that perception of self got completely knocked down by compliments that basically said, No, really this thing IS good about you. Which both pleased and rattled me. Lots of posts on this theme, including posts from people who knew me in middle school telling me how they appreciated my freedom with my body? (and no not in a slutty way, but a dance way I think). I HATED my body then. Hell, I still do mostly, but it's kind of amazing to hear that whatever it is that it does, makes people happy. I should be kinder to it.

3) that people percieve me as unafraid. I'm actually terrified a great deal of the time and insecure about whether or not I'm actually any damn good at the things that mean the most to me. I suppose I keep doing them anyway and that's a sign of crazy, stupid or brave.

4) that many of us (after some discussion) still feel stuck in that "I am so uncool no one cool will like me" middle school mode, yet...we all like each other very much and we are all cool enough for this school, anyway.

5) that we really should let the kindness flow more. I mean, it probably would be generally creepy to always be out complimenting people in a wall post or whatever, but I think giving props when props are due, TO the person they are due (instead of telling a third party "you know what? so and so is awesome").

So there was that.

I was also thinking about the end of 69 Love Scenes, which I will miss. I'm glad I did it and proved to myself that I could still do it, the scripted stuff.

I probably was also thinking about the AIC Ladies Slumber Party, and how much fun it is to hang out with ladies. I like ladies.

I think I also remember some level of sleepy self flaggelation surrounding my ability to fool myself in so many ways. I am a master at being able to believe things that just. aren't. true. and. never. will. be. No, I won't explain that further. Suffice it to say I'm going to be on a mission to fix that situation though.

That's all I got right now in my post not sleep haze. Whatever I was dream blogging about I bet it was better than this mess.

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