Re-Focus

I've learned a lot in the last year certainly, and I've learned even more in the last bit of time. I've had to stop, examine, refocus.

Like with people....There are people that are important to me, and I've had a story built in my head about the role I play in their lives. It turns out I'm off base in that belief. But instead of being a disappointment, I've realized that my role is likely more important the way it is, instead of the way I hoped it would be. And I need to internalize that and honor it. That's a good thing and a good realization and something to be very proud of.

As for work, there are things that are important to me, so important actually, that I don't actually really do them, at least not full bore and with the impact I desire. It could be a bad habit learned by my mother I suppose, who was forever putting off things that were apparently meaningful, or from my father who bounced between art and producing and never really "hit" either one in the way I think he wanted to.

I am probably doing about 50% of what I'm capable of because I'm trying to do all of it at the same time and in the not quite the right way. I want the work I've done here to have an impact. I've been going at things sideways. I've been silly.

I don't know.

"You like being on stage but you don't want to be seen." That quote could sum up the feedback I've gotten from many important people to me. I've often said I make a great second in command, but avoid taking the true mantle of leadership, whether that is in my career, or on stage, or in my activism. I suppose I avoid stepping up for several reasons-fear of fucking up (not only for myself but for others), the hope of looking ahead "to that day when I....", or perhaps just the difficulty of maintaining focus and responsibility and structure during a busy life.

I hate this phrase, but I haven't owned my own power and authority and I think I've placed far too much emotion and energy in the wrong places.

That last sentence was too negative. I should say, I've placed emotion and energy places. People benefitted and sometimes I did too, but perhaps they (and just as importantly I) could benefit more if I changed gears in a significant way.

"You have the greatest capacity...it's such a gift." A friend of mine said that to me today. What I love and what I'm good at need to guide what I do, fear be damned.

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