Temple Of Douchebags

Late last week I stopped by my favorite place of sweat and suffering, the Temple of Lance's 24 Hour Fitness. I was happily pumping away on the stationary bike, watching Oprah, cause that's what was on, and frankly I was indulging in some gender-normative behavior and did not want to watch ESPN*. All of a sudden, the channels started flipping right and left and I looked behind me. Yep, there was a dudebro of utter dudebro elegance, shag hair cut, over muscled arms and expression of cheap arrogance just flipping away.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the machine.

He, apparently noticing my facial expression, grabbed my left shoulder pretty hard scaring the ever loving FUCK out of me and said, "Oh hey were you watching that?", with a tone. DUH.

The hippie dude next to me said, "I'M NOT. CHANGE IT."

I had a moment. I could have said, listen dudes. I'm watching fucking Oprah AND DONT TOUCH ME. Because I am a chick and because that's what chicks do** and besides I don't know the code for the remote so I could watch the fucking cooking channel.***

But I didn't take the moment, and before I knew it, TOSH TV was on and the Dudebro was directly in front of me, in the recumbant bike, and on TOSH was an incredibly amusing segment called "Rape Dungeon".

Dear readers, I wish I could tell you that I got up of my bike and said, in a deeply sarcastic tone, "Oh yeah, that's WAY better than Oprah. Keep it classy." ****

I didn't. Sad but true, I didn't get all alpha up on the bro. I, in total gender normative fashion, pussed the hell out of confronting the jerky dude. I didn't want to risk being called a bitch*****. I didn't want any more conflict for the week. I didn't want to deal with the hundreds of layers of discourse around women, power, dudes, and chicks not having a sense of humor and how feminists are jerks who don't want anyone to have fun and rape culture. I didn't. ******

So I didn't.

I moved to the elliptical and watched a long segment of the terrible film, "No Reservations" starring Catherine Zeta-Jones. Like any woman would.

I felt a little like a douche for my inability to Amazon out and kick his ass, but well, some days, that's the temple you live in.


*because that's almost always on by the bikes. I don't get it. Do they set the channels by the gender usually at the machines?

**because I was being gendernormative. I don't like Oprah very much. I admit it. But you really shouldn't grab someone on the shoulder if you don't know them no matter what gender you are.

***I love cooking shows, and really enjoy the ironic masochism of working out while encouraging my own culinary appetites.

****And on Oprah, from what I could tell, there was a family who apparently is "the most frugal family ever" and that seemed like a very reasonable thing to watch.

*****I realize he probably wouldn't have called me out in a public space. But then again, you never know. And even if I had and he had who would have learned anything?

****** I am well known for being very funny. I also really enjoy having fun in many ways. I am not, however, a fan of rape, rape jokes, humor at the expense of men raping straight dudes, or the like. Deal with it.

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